I am not brave

I am not brave.

As a cancer “survivor” my circle of peeps always tell me how brave and how strong I am. They tell me you have handled this “battle” so gracefully. They
want to be able to handle life’s curveballs they way I do. Battle? This is a fucking siege! An attack on the building that is my body! An internal weapon of mass destruction. My friends ask me how I do it. How can I appear so calm, cool and collected. Frankly, I don’t fucking know how to explain how I do it. Yes, I am upset that my body has betrayed me. Yes, I am upset that my used to be sexy navel is now a less sexy (but still sexy!!) road map of scars. Yes, I have experienced pain that would make a grown man cry, but I AM NOT BRAVE. I am strong, but not brave.

I recently read an article in Newsweek (the title of this article is “ We Fought Cancer…And Cancer Won”. The one sentence from this article that reached out and slapped me, was the following by Therese Mulvey, a Boston oncologist she said, "The metaphor of fighting cancer implies the possibility of winning." Read this shit again and out loud so that you can really absorb the meaning of it. I will pause while you do that. ;)


So, like I was saying....I am not brave. I am not fighting cancer…I just keep taking the hits and getting up after. I take a licking but keep on ticking. I won’t stay down for long. Hell to the no! My friends can attest to that. Kev, Marlene remember the Shakira concert?, Karla remember all the Comadre meetings I attended after chemo, after radiation?, Babs, Di…remember Acapulco, Princessas remember Frances & Gonzalo wedding in PR? Digna, remember all the times I showed up to tape Boston Latino Tv after chemo? I did all the things that I would normally do if I did not have cancer. And guess what…I enjoyed myself. I don’t think it takes bravery for that. I have not quite identified what it is that it takes….maybe chutzpah, bolas, cojones, ovaries…I don’t give a fuckness…you name it…I got it……but I don’t think it’s bravery.


I also don’t worry about it. Maybe I have a bit of the Scarlett O’Hara mentality in me…”Fiddle dee dee…I’ll think about it tomorrow. I frequently say to my doctor….”I am not going to worry unless you give me something to worry about.” Why worry about something I can’t control? I got shit to do! Maybe, I am just so done with cancer and all it’s sneaky moves that I just don’t give a fuck! I live in spite of my body betraying me, I enjoy life even though I know what is going to kill me. I don’t worry about petty ass shit or petty ass people who can’t see that life is about living and not about material crap or people that won’t take a risk…those people make me lose my mind up in here. TAKE IT…take the risk. You might not get another chance. Anyway….I eat that fattening dessert and drink that wine when ever I get the chance. I say the things that everyone is thinking but won’t say out loud. (well most of the time, regular people just can’t handle that level of frankness…LOL.

One thing cancer does to you is put your shit in perspective, if it wasn’t crystal clear before it will be after cancer visits you. I have always been very grounded and very aware of shit…now I have 20 fucking 20 x-ray super woman vision…..I can see bullshit coming around the corner…….. And yes…I swear more…you know why…cuz I can and it’s legal and you can’t make me stop so there! (that is a shout out to my girl POTTY MOUTH PINK JENNY).

Life is short, live it up and all those cliché sayings..blah…blah…blah…. But it’s really not so cliché to me…cuz I really don’t know how short or long my life will be. Yet I digress…let me get back to what I was trying to get you, my loyal and loving readers to understand and that is that I am not brave. How can you be brave if you are fighting a losing battle that you did not choose to be in? How can you be brave against an opponent who has millions of people fighting against it and is knockin’ them down for a full count left and right, swattin’ them away the way Godzilla swats helicopters!

In spite of all the drama that cancer has caused in my life and in the lives of my loved ones….I am a happy well adjusted young lady who is not depressed, not on meds and having the time of her life. Now if I could just find my dream job and dream man. ;)


If you think you know what that elusive quality is that I have, pls comment. I fucking dare you. ;)


This blog was written in the “Stream of “Conciousness” style.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness

Cancer is like a like a gang initiation you get beat in and you get beat out. – La Eve!

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This blog entry has a sister blog entry see Jenny’s blog entry titled “I am not brave”. www.jennysaldana.com
Boxing Woman Graphic: www.finalbell.org
Newsweek Article: www.newsweek.com/id/157548